Thursday, June 19, 2008
CIA warns on sniper-proof Mugabe
WASHINGTON DC. In a top-secret memo leaked to the media this morning, the CIA has issued a stern warning to would-be assassins not to target Zimbabwean despot Robert Mugabe. Describing Mugabe as "sniper-proof", the memo explained that head- and chest shots would have no effect on the 84-year-old Mugabe, as he has neither a brain nor a heart.
On the contrary, said the memo, any direct hits on his head or chest would "only get the varmint riled up".
Mugabe's personal physicians have maintained a strict policy of not speaking to the media, but it is understood that the elderly tyrant adheres to a stringent diet of omelets made from human stem cells harvested from babies' spinal columns, honey stolen from honey-badgers, and Red Bull energy drinks hijacked off trucks at the Beit Bridge border crossing.
They have also historically refused to comment on persistent rumours that both Mugabe's brain and heart atrophied in the late 1990s and were surgically removed in a Cape Town clinic in 2001, along with a malignant testicle found growing in his larynx that had, according to surgeons, been causing him to "talk complete bollocks for years".
However the CIA memo has all but confirmed the rumours, adding that snipers who attempted either a head- or heart-shot should be prepared for "a puff of flannel, some cobwebs flapping around the exit wound, and a faint smell of sulphur".
The memo went on to say that "conventional termination procedures" would have to be reassessed to "mesh with Mugabe's specific physiological and supernatural attributes", and that "more esoteric methods" would have to be applied.
These included driving a wooden stake through his chest, shooting him at full moon with a silver bullet, exposing him to sunlight, luring him into an active volcano, sucking him into the void of space through an airlock, or feeding him pet treats manufactures in China.
from www.hayibo.com
On the contrary, said the memo, any direct hits on his head or chest would "only get the varmint riled up".
Mugabe's personal physicians have maintained a strict policy of not speaking to the media, but it is understood that the elderly tyrant adheres to a stringent diet of omelets made from human stem cells harvested from babies' spinal columns, honey stolen from honey-badgers, and Red Bull energy drinks hijacked off trucks at the Beit Bridge border crossing.
They have also historically refused to comment on persistent rumours that both Mugabe's brain and heart atrophied in the late 1990s and were surgically removed in a Cape Town clinic in 2001, along with a malignant testicle found growing in his larynx that had, according to surgeons, been causing him to "talk complete bollocks for years".
However the CIA memo has all but confirmed the rumours, adding that snipers who attempted either a head- or heart-shot should be prepared for "a puff of flannel, some cobwebs flapping around the exit wound, and a faint smell of sulphur".
The memo went on to say that "conventional termination procedures" would have to be reassessed to "mesh with Mugabe's specific physiological and supernatural attributes", and that "more esoteric methods" would have to be applied.
These included driving a wooden stake through his chest, shooting him at full moon with a silver bullet, exposing him to sunlight, luring him into an active volcano, sucking him into the void of space through an airlock, or feeding him pet treats manufactures in China.
from www.hayibo.com
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Friday, June 6, 2008
ELECTION NOTIFICATION: WAITING FOR RESULTS!!
Dear All: WAITING FOR RESULTS!!
Rigging machine still down.
Our technicians are working flat out to rectify the problem.
Please bear with us and keep waiting.
Zimbabwe Elections Command Center
Boss Robert Prayer
Our Father Boss Robert,
Who art in Harare,
how bad is your name that it can be hated in all corners of the world?
Thy kingdom is no more,
Give us this day our poll results
and forgive us for voting you out
as we 4give u 4 trying to rig the votes.
Lead us not into stoning u, but deliver us from your policies.
for thine is da cruelty, da poverty and da shame.
Amen
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Zimbabwe Hell Joke
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He decides he’ll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.
He goes to German Hell and asks, “What do they do here?”
He is told: “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day”.
The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on.
He checks out the USA Hell as well as the Russian Hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German Hell.
Then he comes to the Zimbabwean Hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, “What do they do here?”
He is told: “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The Zimbabwean devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day”.
“But that is exactly the same as all the other hells. Why are there so many people waiting to get in?” he asks.
“Because there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work.
The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on.
And on top of that, the Zimbabwean devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet, and goes out to do his private business for the rest of the day.”
This joke comes via The Zimbabwean
He goes to German Hell and asks, “What do they do here?”
He is told: “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day”.
The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on.
He checks out the USA Hell as well as the Russian Hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German Hell.
Then he comes to the Zimbabwean Hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, “What do they do here?”
He is told: “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The Zimbabwean devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day”.
“But that is exactly the same as all the other hells. Why are there so many people waiting to get in?” he asks.
“Because there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work.
The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on.
And on top of that, the Zimbabwean devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet, and goes out to do his private business for the rest of the day.”
This joke comes via The Zimbabwean
Banana Money
Zimbabwe is to issue new banknotes in an effort to tackle the serious cash shortages afflicting the country. From Thursday, notes worth 250,000, 500,000 and 750,000 Zimbabwean dollars will enter circulation.
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Read this Book
It is ten years since the original publication of ‘Breaking the Silence: A Report on the Disturbances in Matabeleland and the Midlands’ (by the Catholic Commission for Justice and Peace (CCJP) and the Legal Resources Foundation (LRF)). We are delighted to let you know that the report has been re-published in book form by the South African publishing house Jacana under the title ‘Gukurahundi in Zimbabwe’.
Gukurahundi is a traditional Shona word, which means ‘the early rain which washes away the chaff before the spring rains.’ It is the word chosen by the Mugabe regime to describe a military operation against a civilian population during the 1980s.
In 1980, a few short months after Independence Day, Robert Mugabe signed an agreement with the North Korean President Kim Il Sung to have the North Korean military train a brigade for the Zimbabwean army. Training of the 5th Brigade lasted until September 1982. The objective of the 5th Brigade was to crush the people of Matabeleland, force them to submit to Mugabe’s Zanu PF and relinquish their loyalty to Joshua Nkomo’s Zimbabwe African People’s Union (Zapu).
The infamous red-bereted 5 Brigade were soldiers equipped with unusually cruel skills. We learn through the ‘Breaking the Silence’ report that the methods used to address “reorientation”, “change”, “unfounded grievances” - methods designed to teach a community to “accept defeat” - included civilian murders, civilian rapes, civilian torture and the destruction of civilian property.
The report describes in detail some of the techniques used, and it’s important to understand that all the techniques were calculated to maximise terror, pain, grief and humiliation. The soldiers, under Mugabe’s instruction, set out to injure and mutilate human beings, to kill them, but to do so in such evil cruel ways that the scars would be indelibly etched in memories for generations to come.
Mugabe intended to leave this civilian population with fear for the rest of their lives, for the horror to be so great that they would pass the fear down to subsequent generations. This is how he believed he would manage discontent in the region, and hold onto power indefinitely.
When the soldiers were first deployed in Matabeleland, the shock was significant and the impact immediately felt:
“Five Brigade passed first through Tsholotsho, spreading out rapidly through Lupane and Nkayi, and their impact on all these communal areas was shocking. Within the space of six weeks more than 2000 civilians had died, hundreds of homesteads had been burnt and thousands of civilians had been beaten. Most of the dead were killed in public executions involving between one and 12 people at a time.”
The book form of the report, ‘Gukurahundi in Zimbabwe’, has an introduction by Elinor Sisulu and a foreword by Archbishop Pius Ncube:
Sisulu recounts how she was horrified by the detailed account in the CCJP report of the “mass shooting of 62 young men and women” on the banks of Cwele River in Matabeleland. She contrasts the silence that greeted the 1983 massacre in Matabeleland with the shock and dismay throughout the world occasioned by the Sharpeville massacre in South Africa in March 1960. (The Sunday Independent SA: 27 May 2007)
One of the most difficult things for decent people to comprehend is that these perverse barbaric acts of cruelty were not the actions of psychopaths, but soldiers. Their ‘enemy’ was not an invading army from foreign borders, nor were they fighting for freedom against a repressive racist regime; the vast majority of the ‘enemy’ were our fellow Zimbabweans - men, women, children, and the elderly: the innocent and the defenceless; the helplessly isolated.
Donald Trelford, editor of The Observer (UK) at that time, recalled an interview that he had with Robert Mugabe in 1984 where he asked Mugabe whether he would ever consider a political solution to the Matabeleland issue rather then the military one. Trelford describes Mugabe’s response to his question as ‘blunt’ and ‘chilling’:
“The solution is a military one. Their grievances are unfounded. The verdict of the voters was cast in 1980. They should have accepted defeat then … The situation in Matabeleland is one that requires a change. The people must be reoriented.”
Wikipedia, the online encyclopaedia, carries another chilling quote from Mugabe in the early 1980s: “We eradicate them. We don’t differentiate when we fight because we can’t tell who is a dissident and who is not.”
The publishers of ‘Gukurahundi in Zimbabwe’ write: “the [Breaking the Silence] Report is offered again at a time when the events it describes - the Gukurahundi have acquired a fresh relevance”. They say that they hope “the reavailability of the Report will mean that more people will campaign for an end to human rights violations in Zimbabwe, and for restorative justice for the victims”.
‘Fresh relevance’ indeed. We only need to look at the language used by Zanu PF to see a recurring pattern in thinking: Gukurahundi (1980s) - ‘the early rain which washes away the chaff’, and, Murambatsvina (2000s) - ‘clearing out the trash’. The ‘chaff’ and the ‘trash’ being anyone who dares disagree or challenge the power of Robert Mugabe, or anyone that Mugabe thinks might one day in the future disagree with him or challenge his power.
This book – ‘Gukurahundi in Zimbabwe’ - is an essential book to read for anyone who wants to fully understand Zimbabwe’s history. Both the government enquiries - the Dumbutshena enquiry into the Entumbane battle and the 1984 Chihambakwe enquiry into the 1983 massacres - have never been made public and the Legal Resource Foundation’s attempt to get an order through the Supreme Court (on the basis of access to information in terms of the Constitution) failed. This book therefore stands as perhaps the most critically important record of the violations against the people of Matabeleland during the 1980s. It exposes Mugabe’s capacity for evil, and the enormity of the threat he and his party’s politics of violence presents for any hope that our country might ever enjoy a peaceful non-violent future where human rights are fully respected.
We are delighted that it is now easily available to a worldwide audience.
The book is available for purchase from Exclusive Books in South Africa (full details below). International readers can buy the book via the Exclusive Book website.
Please buy the book and read it and please encourage everyone you know to do the same. If you have a website or blog, please help publicise the fact that this book is now available.
Gukurahundi in Zimbabwe
Sub-title: A Report on the Disturbances in Matabeleland and the Midlands 1980-1988
BP-B12
EAN : 9781770092075
Publisher : Jacana Media Pty Ltd
Country of publication: South Africa
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